TOP-10 LOUSY VALENTINE'S DAY PRESENTS

10. 3 lbs. of Lady Godiva chocolates with expiration date: 03/67

9. One-way ticket on Beirut Airlines to the Middle East country of your choice.

8. Love letter to your ex; old name whited-out, your name inserted.

7. 1 dozen long stem roses delivered collect.

6. Stretch limo night out on the town in Waimanalo.

5. Gift certificate for 4 new Firestone radials (includes installation).

4. Your lover throwing you a kiss from a pic in the escort section of Odyssey Magazine.

3. Seating for you and your friends at Eminem's Grammy table.

2. Ru Paul's "Complete Guide To Evening Wear Accessorizing."

1. Gold centennial box set of Loraina Bobbit ginsu knives.